Motherhood isn't for Sissys

I have nothing to say about motherhood that hasn't already been said by any number of moms in the past in one way or another. I'm really just piggy-backing on every other blog post that has been written talking about how motherhood is hard... you know, all 10 million of them. Really my heart is just weighted with many thoughts about being a mom to these two little humans.

So... I had to write. I apologize in advance if it is jumbled and not cohesive.

Despite every blogger who has told me otherwise. Despite every warning the women in my life gave. Despite the books, upon books, upon books that have been written to help struggling moms / parents deal with their offspring... nothing prepares you for motherhood. You still believe it is going to be some form of non-stop bliss. A part of you believes it is going to be the Hallmark commercial. We believe that that fierce love we have for that tiny human is going to overcome everything and outshine every tough moment. We think, we know, WE will be the mom that gets it. I'll be the mom that is always there. I'll be the mom that never yells. I'll be the mom that sits and reads a million books for hours with a smile on my face. I'll be the mom who makes healthy meals and doesn't feed my child peanut butter and jelly 4 (okay 5) days in a row. I'm going to do crafts, go on field trips, plan lessons, play games, and so on and so on... and I'm gonna love it, always.

We tell ourselves all of these things in those years, months, days, seconds leading up to the arrival of this precious, bundle of joy!

But we lie.
Albeit maybe unknowingly.
We lie.

Motherhood is a beast. It is the beastiest beast that ever was. I know I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it forever and I will never forget the one statement that resonated in my heart and mind and soul when I was neck deep in "what have I gotten myself into" about 2 months into motherhood;

"motherhood isn't for sissys" 
-mom

She was right, back then when the newborn baby never stopped screaming and didn't sleep day or night. And she's still right now, when the toddler seems to never stop whining,  or being disobedient, or eating all of the food off your plate when you are starving and haven't had a chance to sit down all day until now and she just finished her lunch of peanut butter and jelly and grapes and cucumber and yogurt but now somehow wants your sandwich too.


Yup, still true, still right.
This gig ain't for sissys.

The trouble is... I'm a sissy.

I was chatting with a new mom the other week who was having some serious struggles with her sweet newborn. She seemed blindsided by the sheer horror that is the newborn months. I tried to commiserate and empathize with her about the days / months that felt like years when Lucy was a baby. This mom responded:

"No one tells you this! No one tells you about the dark, painful, awful days of newborn life"

She was right. No one does.

I'm not talking about the normal "warnings" a new mom receives - the warnings about not sleeping and growth-spurt-eating sprees and "sleep when the baby sleeps" (Are there people that actually do that?) The warnings that your free time will disappear and your life will never be the same. I'm not talking about those things, though true they are indeed.

What I'm referring to are the dirty, gritty, not-hallmark-commercial-appropriate moments. They are the lesser-known moments of motherhood, not talked about nearly as much as the cuddles, the giggles, the coos and smiles nor the aforementioned normal warnings. But they are real, very, very real. Maybe it's because we're all hopeful that New Mom won't face it like we did. Maybe we figure no one told us, so why start now. Maybe we don't want to scare her. Maybe we're cruel, vicious people. Or maybe we actually think we're the only ones. Maybe a part of us is scared to share that... we hated our lives, our husbands, our babies, ourselves at times.

I've talked to too many new moms to think any longer that I'm the only mom that struggled. Maybe there are those moms out there that are killing it and conquering those newborn days like absolute rock stars.

I was not one of them.

Maybe we moms are ashamed to admit just how dark things can get. There will be moments where you wonder if you can just run away and not come back. There will be moments where you get so frustrated at that little human that you yell and scream and cry. There will be moments when you hold out that baby to his/her father when he walks in the door and you go out to have one moment where someone is not demanding something of you. They don't tell you about the moments when your husband looks at you with a look of sheer fright and wonders if you're okay... like... really okay.

Motherhood isn't for sissys.

Motherhood, like other areas of life, brings with it the result of sin: darkness, doubt, anger, anxiety, frustration and weakness. We've all been there. We don't all talk about it. But we've all been there.

Now, I am past those overwhelming moments of newborn-ness but I've realized quickly that I am still just as broken as I was then and my sin is just as real and prevalent in every stage of motherhood. The devil does not discriminate or miss an opportunity!

The devil is cunning. He knows our weakness. He knows MY weakness. He got me good in those first months with a baby - and he knows he can get me again as my children grow and new challenges arise. He knows where I struggle, he knows what to say, what to do, what buttons to push. He knows me too well... and too often I let him win.

These last few months of motherhood I've found myself returning to those dark moments of newborn life, just without the newborn. There are days, more than not, that I spend most of the day wondering how to survive it. How do I parent? How do I push through? How do I rise above my sinful attitude and wrong responses? I get frustrated too quickly. I get angry too easily and I forget to be kind. I lose patience and self-control and do not act justly toward my children. I roll my eyes at their questions. I sigh at the repetition. I look at the clock with anticipation just counting down the seconds until I can put them in bed.

I hate even typing that out. It's shameful. 
But it's real. 

But then they go to bed... and I sit and think about how much I love them and how tomorrow... tomorrow I'm going to do better. How could I have been so unkind and impatient with them today? There is something about a quiet house and sleeping child that brings a mom to her senses. Tomorrow I'm going to be the nice mom. The sweet mom. The loving mom. The involved mom. The helpful mom. All of it... that's what I'm going to be tomorrow.

Then morning comes and a child throws an all out fit of screaming and crying because I opened the door before she could get to it to open it herself. And all those soft and cuddly feelings are nowhere to be found. I forgot my resolution from the night before.

Devil 1
Mom 0

This is a cycle I find myself facing almost daily.
I live with a roller coaster of emotions that I am not loving my children enough, that my little girl feels neglected, that I'm more concerned with laundry and a clean house than playing and spending time with Lucy, that I don't discipline enough, that I discipline too much, that I'll break her spirit, that I'll strengthen her will, that she won't love Jesus, that she won't see Jesus in me, that I'm too legalistic with her, that I'm using giving grace as a cop-out, that we aren't teaching her enough, that she is exposed to too much, and on and on and on and on to infinity.

Just as I know I'm not the only mom who struggled against the powers of darkness in the early months of motherhood, I know I can't be the only mother struggling against those same powers in this other stage of motherhood.

The answer is Christ.
I know it is.
But the practicality of that truth on a daily basis is hard.
Motherhood is not for sissys, but again, I am the sissiest. 

And really... that's all I have to say. I wish I could round it out with wisdom and clarity. I wish I could point to answers and solutions... but I don't have any.

Though one thing I will add: I truly believe this is where the need for the words in Titus 2 is strong.

"... Older women...are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled"

We young moms NEED older moms. At least this young mom does. We need the honesty, wisdom, advice and encouragement of the older moms who have walked this road. We need them to speak the word of God to us in these moments of darkness and hopelessness.. We need them to say "yes, I know. I've been there."  We need accountability, training, support, encouragement. Because motherhood isn't for sissys... it's the hardest work and the greatest work. It carries with it a huge responsibility and burden. It can be a tool to sanctify and teach our sinful spirits... but it can also be a tool to destroy and break down our spirit. It can bring with it unspeakable joy but also unspeakable sorrow and pain...and it isn't meant to be walked through alone.

So, that's all. Those are my thoughts on this Mother's Day 2017.
I hope I look back at my current self in 10 years and don't still feel so lost in this journey of motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day to every mother who also has struggled on this journey.
You're not alone.