An Open Letter of Apology to My First Born

Dear, First Born 

I'm sorry for the time that I locked you out of the bathroom. Even though you, the sweet thing that you are, just want to be where mommy is. always. wherever that may be. 

I'm sorry that I served you burnt pasta and chicken that I left on the stove too long because I was dealing with an over-tired baby in the other room. I'm sorry I also made you eat every last bite. I'm also sorry for my favorite pot that was also a casualty of that event. 

I'm sorry that you are left, for way more time than is really safe, to make your own fun and get into your own mischief while I spend hours in the nursery trying to get your Baby Brother to take a nap. 

I'm sorry that you have had cereal for the 20th morning in a row this month plus half an over-ripe banana. 

I'm sorry that Daniel Tiger is teaching you more than I am or can at this time in life. 

I'm sorry that your mom is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row, and also that neither of us hardly ever make it out of our PJ's before daddy gets home from work. 

I'm sorry for missing your bedtime, for 3 straight months, so that I can put your baby brother to bed. It's not because I love him more. Please believe me, mommy is sad to miss those moments with you and her heart hurts as she listens to you sing and pray with your daddy knowing it used to be me and you rocking it before dream-time. 

I'm sorry that I make you whisper more than I let you be loud and silly. 

I'm sorry that I put you to bed at 6:00 that one night because I had reached my limit of patience. 

I'm sorry that I teach you and require of you patience, when I am too-often without it myself. 

I'm still sorry I made you eat that burnt pasta. Really, I am so sorry. 

I'm sorry that we don't go places as much anymore because packing 2 kids in the car and into stores or the park is way more work than just 1. 

I'm sorry that you've gone way longer than is socially acceptable without a bath. And that mom has done the same. (I'm also sorry for those who cross paths with us during these times) 

I'm sorry for the change. I'm sorry if our new normal is hard and so different that it makes you sad. 

I'm sorry that I say "someday" a lot. Almost as much as "maybe later". 

I'm sorry for that time(s) that I snapped at you out of frustration when you had really not done anything wrong. 

I'm sorry for answering "mmhm" when I really have no idea what you said or asked. 

I'm sorry I try and make doing-laundry a fun game in order to play with you and still try and not lose at this homemaker gig. 

I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't able to read a story with you before your nap because your Baby Brother was needing his mama too. 

I'm sorry I ate 1/2 of your halloween candy. 

I'm sorry for not changing your diaper for hours and hours on end some days. 

I'm sorry for hiding all your doll's clothes so that I don't have to constantly put them back on for you after you take them off repeatedly. 

I'm sorry I sometimes skip large chunks of the books you want to read because some of those books are just too long. 

I'm sorry I lied to you that one time when you asked if I was eating grapes. It really was peanut m&ms. 

I'm sorry that I sometimes expect more of you than you are reasonably able to give. 

I'm sorry those sweet days that I had when it was just me and you went so quickly. I love your Baby Brother with my whole being. But you will always be my First Born, my special girl and I will always love you to the moon and back. And one of those things I love about you is that to all these "I'm sorry"s you will, without even flinching, say 

"I forgive you mommy. I hug you now" 

You are precious to me. 
Love, 
Mom.